DISSES, EXCUSES, AND BITS OF WISDOM
--------------------------------------------

Nerd - A four letter word, but a six figure income.

Come to the dark side... we have cookies.

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.

Never argue with an idiot. They'll just pull you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

Before you get angry at someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then you'll be a mile away and have their shoes.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

When life gives you lemons, make cranberry juice and let the world figure out how the f*** you did it.

You grow out of childhood when you know you are going to die.

The early bird may get the worm, but the sencond mouse gets the cheese.

There are only two things in life that are certain: death and taxes.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

It's ridiculous claiming that video games influence children. If Pac-man effected kids in the 80's, then we should by now have a whole bunch of teenagers running around in darkened rooms eating pills and listening to monotonous electronic music.

You can't say civilization isn't advancing; in every war they kill you in a new way.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.

Earth is the insame asylum of the universe.

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet. Oh look, now he's got your gun too!

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Procrastinate, it makes you look busier.

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want -- an adorable pancreas?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

It's only funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's hilarious.

Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. -Homer Simpson

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Psychic, n. - An individual having an uncanny, seemingly supernatural, talent for extracting money from morons.

Both pessimists and optimists have contributed to the society. The optimist invented the plane, and the pessimist invented the parachute.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Suicide is Man's way of telling God: 'You can't fire me - I quit!

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. - Albert Einstein

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Constipated People Don't Give A crap.

You are a total, total,...a word has yet to be invented to describe how totally whatever it is you are, but you are one and a total, total one at that!

Just remember - when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Everyone has the privilage to look ugly, but you abuse it.